Jada's gift of time...

Jada gave me a gift this morning. Being a puppy, she rarely will come to me to sit still or to sleep; especially when I am at the computer. But today, she came and put her feet up on my lap, demanding attention. I picked her up. Usually she would wiggle and struggle, give me a few licks and jump down. Today, she snuggled in and closed her eyes. She was sleepy. So, relishing the moment, I caressed her soft fur and watched as her eyelids grew heavy and her breathing slowed. I thought about the things I needed to get done and briefly contemplated putting her down. But, then I thought of just taking this time, this quiet time, to cuddle my puppy and to sit quietly.

It is strange to find that it is hard to sit quietly. To just take the time to sit and pet the dog without doing anything. I make myself feel guilty all the time for not getting things done, for spending too much time on the computer, for sleeping in, for reading too much, for not getting all the things on my to-do list done. But, this was her gift to me, I thought as I held her. My eyes misted with tears of love and gratitude. I reached over and turned on the media player to listen to Alison Krauss and her hauntingly sweet voice.

As I listened to the words, and felt the soft fur and warmth of Jada, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss; of broken dreams, of goals not reached, sadness for regrets, for the loss of a love that I had hoped would happen, for the lack of the ability to return the love that was given me, for the lost years of my life that I had drifted through.

Though Jada didn’t plan it, she has given me a gift of time; a space in-between all the chores and to-do lists; a space of time to sit and feel, to mourn the loss of much, and to grieve. Sometimes we need to take time to feel the loss, to move through it, in order to move on. Decisions can be difficult to make if you are not fully awake. The problems that I have had in my past with decision making have been because I was not awake. I am finding that the more awake I am, the more aware I am of the choices that I need to make and the right way to do it. This present-moment awareness is difficult stuff. Much easier it is, to walk through life on autopilot. To actually take the time to feel the present moment, in all its pain and sadness and loss, is hard to do.

Though the times have been few, these “spaces in-between” are like small windows into the reality of life. Of my life. I have often had moments of clarity where I have epiphanies, and I see what I need to do. But, then life is difficult and it is much easier to sleep walk, so I drift back into autopilot and months to years pass before I once again have a “moment”. I call these my “spaces in-between.”

So, I thank my puppy Jada. For giving me a moment; a moment to savor the soft warmth of her sleepiness; a moment to sit quietly and think; a moment to become aware of the need to grieve the loss of a dream of love ever after; the loss of a wish for a happy marriage; the loss of a need to feel love and to return love. It was not meant to be….. this time. Maybe someday it will be. To ignore the sadness of the loss is to not heal and I just need to get through it and learn from it.

Thank you, Jada.

Spring is Coming!! Spring is Coming!!

As I walk outside under a gray afternoon sky, I am astounded at the cacophony of different bird calls, squawks and whistles punctuated by the throaty quack of our pet ducks. The air holds the scent of promise and I breathe it in.

Our swamp is full now and the musical melody of frogs and other creatures comforts me as I walk around the yard. The damp piles of wet decaying leaves are now bereft of their blanket of white. The musty odor of sodden soil leaches out from the footprints I leave behind as I walk toward the backyard and the row of lilac bushes.

While still naked of their lush summer greenery, the lilacs are beginning to wake from their winter slumber. Tiny bumps of life are emerging from their limbs, crying out to me: Spring is Coming!! Spring is Coming!!

--- Anna (March 15th, 2010)

Energy and Awareness

I have been studying awareness lately. Learning how to connect with my self and listen to my inner dialog with my heart AND my head.. which can be difficult. In this world where life can seem to be something that just happens to you, and not something you have much control over, it is hard to imagine that you can "direct" and "steer" where you want your life to go. To take control of the energy that you have inside, and use higher awareness in your everyday encounters... seems like the stuff of fairy tales or "hippies". But there is science behind it, decades of research and hundreds upon hundreds of great intelligent minds, that have brought about the new age movement of finding inner peace and awareness.

We seem to loose touch with ourselves on a pretty regular basis. We loose that connection with our own "possibilities". Instead, we fall into a robot-like way of seeing and thinking and doing. In those moments, we break contact with what is deepest in ourselves and affords us perhaps our greatest opportunities for creativity, learning and growing. If we are not careful, those clouded moments can stretch out and become most of our lives.

We need to stop and "feel" the present moment, to hold it in awareness and thereby come to know it and understand it better. Instead, we often seem preoccupied with the past, with what has already happened, or with a future that hasn't happened yet. We look for someplace else to stand, where we hope things will be better, happier, more the way we want them to be, or the way they used to be. Most of the time, we are only partially aware of this inner tension, if we are aware of it at all. What is more frightening, is we are also only partially aware at best of what we are doing in and with our lives, and the effects that our actions and, more subtly, our thoughts have on our lives. Like in a dream state, we go though life just letting it happen to us and not directing it at all, unaware of the potential that lies within each and every one of us.

Not knowing that you are even is such a dream-state is what the Buddhists call "ignorance", or mindlessness. Being in touch with this "not-knowing" is called "mindfulness". The work of waking up from this dream-state is the work of meditation, the systematic cultivation of wakefulness, of present-moment awareness.

So... while I study Awareness and Energy and learn from great minds (such as Albert Einstein, Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, Thomas Merton, Joseph Campbell, Jon Gottman, and the list goes on) I will comment and reflect here, at A Place for a Woman. Feel free to add your own comments and reflections.

~ Moments in Time ~

My heart beats fast
A drum in the night
My stomach churns
butterflies in flight.

So out of reach..
What about tomorrow?
Will we be friends?
A memory? Or sorrow?

Decisions and Uncertainty
Doubts and Unseen Fears
Not knowing what lies ahead…
Happiness or Tears,

A risk?.. A chance?
I’ll take it
Even if only for awhile.
My rewards will be great
Your laugh, your smile.

So, let’s learn to love each other
The risk I’ll make mine.
I’ll cherish every second
Of these moments in time.



Anna

Exercise Routine

Becoming an almost 40 year old woman is NOT what I signed up for. For the past 10 years, I have told myself over and over... "you need to exercise and get fit"... "it will help your aches and pains".... "plus, you will look and feel sexier!!"

But, each time I tried an exercise routine... I would continue for a few days.... than life would get in the way (or I would LET life interrupt my exercise) and I would quit.

Now, finally, I have stuck to an exercise program for a few weeks and I am starting to feel (and see) the results. I started by walking on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes for at least three days a week. Occasionally I would walk longer. Than, I increased it to more than three days a week and more than 30 minutes if I felt energetic enough.

Now... I can walk at a very brisk pace (and even run for intervals of 2-3 minutes) for 30 to 50 minutes every day. AND my knees don't hurt! And I am wide awake every morning with no need to sleep in. When I am walking at a slower pace on the treadmill, I move my arms and torso so that I am exercising those areas while I catch my breath by walking slower... kinda keeping my heart rate up AND using muscles that I normally would not use in just plain walking. I am also doing some light weight lifting and stretching exercises to strengthen my joints and "lift" areas that need lifting (like buttocks and chest).

Lately, I have felt stronger, more energetic, and definitely more alive! I am thinking that I might be starting a NEW addiction! A healthy habit! A love affair with physical fitness! I am reading books on it, watching shows on it... I even checked out the local college to see what classes would be needed to become a personal fitness trainer. Hmmmm... I think I am on to something here! :-)

Whatever Happened?

Whatever happened to the quickening of my heart?
The fluttering of nervous butterfly’s?
Whenever we’re apart?

What ever happened to holding hands?
Walking in the moonlight?
Sighing on the sand?

Whatever happened to the way you spoke my name?
How it melted my heart?
Will I ever feel the same?

Whatever happened, it’s all been swept away
Time to move on
The beginning of another day.

--- Anna~

Airplane....

I was looking through some things that I have written in the past.. journal entries, notes, letters, etc. And I found a journal entry about my very first (and only) ride in an airplane. So, I am re-writing it here below:

I am high above the clouds. They look like wind blown snow. I am level with the sunsets colors, like a pastel rainbow reflecting off a lake.

At first, I could see the cars and buildings get smaller and smaller. Then I could see the golf course and a lake. A row of yellow and white top school buses, parked in a lot reminded me of matchsticks lain in a row.

The plane makes a lot of turns, with the left wing dipping way down and then the right one. When that happens I get a very Swirly felling in my head but it passes quickly.

People get up and walk around like on a bus, I can't imagine how that must feel! Sometimes if feels like a bumpy road. Not bad, just bumpy.

We waited a long time in a long line. The lady behind me said maybe we are going to drive all the way there. I thought that was very funny. The plane was real loud at first. I had the earplugs in. But, though we rose up fast, the pressure wasn't too bad.

I'm hoping the landing is very similar. A gentleman behind me spoke about how choppy the wind is when you land in Las Vegas because of all the desert winds. I hope that isn't the case. I think I will watch the clouds for awhile.
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Over Lake Michigan now, the clouds are alot fuzzier here. Smeared white paint on a dark background. The ride is getting bumpy... makes it hard to write.
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Farmlands, like a patchwork quilt, stretch out for miles and miles. Ribbons of roads stretch like rulers through the fields. Cracks in the patches show where creeks and rivers gouge their path.

I wonder if I will see another plane now that we are up here so far above the clouds. Like another layer to existence, everything looks different up here.
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We are passing a storm it seems. It has gotten bouncy again and I can see lightening. I've also just seen another plane. Not the shape of it, but the flashing lights that you see when you are standing on "terra-firma". I am going to watch the light show for awhile.
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It must be really cold up here. There is frost forming on the outside window, like crystal art etched in glass. I can see tiny clusters of lights far below. It is kinda like star gazing... in reverse.

The larger clusters of lights remind me of the dying embers of a campfire with no flames, just glowing embers.
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An Awesome Flight

Nervous tension
Hands are damp
Ears are plugged
teeth are clamped.

Lights go dim
The engine roars
Down the lane
the airplane soars

Wings outstretched
like a shiny bird
The idea to some
is quite absurd.

The cars grow small
the pressure builds
Hearts beat faster
Conversation stills.

Above the clouds now
Sky is blue
Settling in
not much to do.

Below the clouds
light clusters glow
Sleeping cities
Far below.

With gentle bumps
the airplane rides
through the dark
and windy skys

Through the dusk
and into night
It really was
An Awesome Flight.

-- Anna 2005

Personal Transformation

"As human beings, we tend to collect in our lives, like little squirrels getting ready for a long and hard winter. If you observe your habits, chances are that there is a lot more going into your home and life than you release and let go of.

The default way for humans to be, appears to be one of primitive and tribal survival mode. We have been trained through generations to hoard, save and live with a mentality of lack or in a poverty consciousness.

Hardwired to Resist Change

We seem to be hardwired to resist change or transformation, yet it is the very thing we need to go through to grow as individuals and to fulfill our life purpose.

This “default programming” is so strong that you will often see individuals hanging on to painful and negative things in their lives, like dead-end jobs and abusive relationships. The fear to let go of the familiar is powerful but needs to be overcome to make room for the next version of you.

The meaning of the word transformation is explained as “The process or result of changing from one appearance, state, or phase to another.” For this transformation to occur you need to make space for a new version of yourself to manifest, and that can only be done by having the courage to release what no longer reflects who you truly are.

It Is Scary and Takes Courage

What happens when you muster the courage needed to let go of something old is that you create a space, or vacuum in your life. This vacuum must be filled according to the “universal vacuum law of prosperity”. You can rest assured that the space you have created will be filled by something good, since the inherent nature of the universe is good.

5 Steps to Personal Growth & Transformation through Letting Go

1. Choose an area of your life that is clearly not working and let go of what is filling that space right now. This can be applied to anything you are ready to tackle from a messy closet to a calendar that is overbooked, to bigger things like a career not working for you or relationships that are past their due date.

2. When it is time to cut the cord and release the old, you may be overwhelmed by resistance and/or fear. If this happens to you, make note of these feelings and understand that it is your “primitive programming” that is kicking in. Its goal is simply to keep you alive and the survival of the species, not for you to prosper and express your life purpose...

3. Enjoy the newly created space and have a non-wavering faith that something new and better will come to you.

4. Be open-minded to receive what is coming your way, it may not arrive the way you expect it to…

5. Be grateful for what you have attracted and let it inspire you to continuously have the courage to live in a way that is transformative towards whom you truly are and your unique life purpose.

In the process of learning what you need to let go of and what can stay in your life, a life purpose reading brings insight."

By Annika Ek DHHP, RHN, CH ~ Hand Analyst & Life Purpose Coach