I think that sometimes you meet people to teach you a lesson
about life or about yourself, to show you an area of your ‘self’ that still
needs improvement.
I went through a rather difficult time in the past few
months. Without going into too much detail, I met someone that became an
instant friend, confident and an important part of my life. Everything was
great, progressing forward and the future looked bright. But an old, buried
insecurity from my younger days somehow clawed its way to the surface of
wherever I had stuffed it years ago. It is true that you cannot just “bury” old
pains, but you must work through and resolve them… many times
throughout your lifetime, until the old pain is truly overcome. My independent,
proud outer shell began to crack… and I didn’t notice right away. I have spent years
learning to be a better version of myself, to create the type of ME that I
really, truly want to be, but somehow I had not dealt with this little “bug”
and it was burrowing its way under my skin and into my psyche in a very
destructive manner.
Unfortunately for me (and others), I did not recognize the
signs and looked for External causes for my discomfort. In doing so, I became
irrational, paranoid, insecure and just downright NOT my true self. I felt like
I was sliding into a deep hole and I had absolutely no control over it! It was
very painful but yet provided me with a very important life lesson. I ended up
pushing away this new friend of mine and alienating other possible friends in
the process.
And the worst part of the entire thing was I allowed this
old buried “bug” to eat away at my self-confidence, my happiness, and my
feelings of self-worth! I was miserable! I had anxiety, panic attacks, stomach
aches, digestion upset, and lots and lots of crying! It felt like I was going
crazy! Literally! I did not know the cause was internal. I did not recognize
that it was an old injured part of my own SELF that was causing all this pain
for me.
It was too late to salvage the connection with this person
that I had begun to feel was a very important part of my life and future. But it
was NOT too late to figure out WHAT had happened and to learn from it. I feel
better now, though not as strong and unbreakable as I felt 3 months ago! It is
important to learn to recognize the signs of self-sabotage when the ‘ego’ is
trying to break out and do its damage to the True Self. It took many, many years
for me to learn to overcome the life patterns that I had developed as a child
and young adult. Some of the destructive life patterns that I had used as a
protection measure against the outside world, to protect the innocent self…
were constricting and not conducive to a happy life! Some of that learning is life-long, as I recently found out.
That old “bug” of insecurity is probably not all gone… but I
recognize it now, and I am taking steps to deal with it and to learn from the
past few months. Does this erase the pain I inadvertently caused myself over
the past few weeks? No. Does it reverse the disappointment or dry the
tears? No. But a lesson learned is an important step in building the kind of
future that I want for myself. A happy, secure, stable and loving future where
I feel like the best possible version of me. And THAT is a very good lesson!
