...Still searching for my "Happy Place"

When I was in therapy years ago, the therapist wanted me to envision my "Happy Place" in my mind. A place where I felt content and safe. A place that I could go to when feeling bad, stressed, scared, or injured. And even though I feel I have a creative mind... this was a very difficult task for me. I could visualize a beach scene... a forest setting with a river running through it... a field of wildflowers gently swaying in the breeze... Lots of images of serene scenery where contentedness could be visually felt.  But I could not find the "happy"... the "content" in the context of my own experiences so found it difficult to create a "Happy Place" that felt real enough, reachable enough, for me to feel safe there.

I recently glossed over my 45th birthday. I say "glossed over" because I did not focus on it, did not celebrate it, but rather just "let it happen". And then moved on. I believe Age is just a number. But I also notice at this age that I am doing a lot more thinking and analyzing of my future, my happiness, my "level of contentment". And I am doing more reading about relationships, marriages, how to keep it together, how to create that contented happiness that everyone craves. And not just in relationships. I am searching for that feeling of content in my work, in my home, in all aspects of my life... sort of a balance of contentedness.

I like to read posts by established authors. I also like the quirky, off-center personality of some writers. This guy, James Altucher, is one of those writers.  I found him a few months ago and I have read a LOT of his stuff since then.  Some of it I like, some of it I don't. I wanted to share one of his writings that I really, really like.

The Purpose of Marriage

In this blog post, he talks about his thoughts on the purpose of marriage. My favorite part of the blog is this:

“Marriage is a gift you give to your spouse. It’s a gift that says, ‘I have fully enjoyed our past together, I fully enjoy our present together, and now I want to devote the rest of my future to helping you achieve your goals, to being with you, to you being with me, and to taking care of you (or vice versa) when we are old and sick, as we will almost assuredly will be." 

If everyone could think that way and ACT that way... every day... just imagine how much nicer people would be to each other, how much more kind our interactions would be, how many more saved marriages! Instead, we get so caught up in the rush and flow of everyday life and responsibilities that we end up not "seeing" our partner/spouse anymore and we forget how special that person really is. We forget to admire and appreciate their "gift" to us.

I admit, in my one and only marriage, I was not a good wife. I was so busy trying to be ME, that I forgot to look at HIM. I forgot how to be the person he fell in love with, the person that loved him enough to get married in the first place. And eventually, I ended up losing the person that I had fallen in love with and in the process... lost myself.

In the past 5 years, I have come to know ME again. I understand my flaws and my weaknesses and I can admire my strengths and feel proud of my accomplishments. I have learned what I can and cannot accept in a relationship and what I really want to have in my life to be happy.

While I crave the feeling of being comfortable with another human being, of letting my guard down and attaining intimacy — I don’t want that to morph into complacency. When I say I crave being “content” I do not mean “settled”. Why would I ever want to settle for anything?

To me, love isn’t about settling; it’s about adventure. It’s about finding that person who has the guts and ambition to travel the world side by side with me. Just because you fall in love doesn’t mean the thrill and the endless wonder of the world has to stop. I don’t want every day to be exactly the same. I don’t want to have the same conversations over the same meal every single night for the rest of my life. 

I want a blazing passion that sparks a fire within me. I want to be with someone who makes my heart skip a beat and whose touch has the ability to light up my entire body and soul.

If (and hopefully WHEN) I get to that point in life where I am in a committed partnership that is moving towards a future together... I hope I can remember that life with them is a GIFT. And I hope that he, in return, will appreciate that gift and return it back just as much. Then I will have reached what we all strive for in life. My Happy Place.

Serendipity

I love the movie Serendipity. Part of what I love about it is the love story (obviously.. I AM a woman! LOL) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePU2Ux9JIMM

In this love story, 2 people meet and because of the locations in their lives, and the other people in their lives, they don't "get together".  So... their life circumstances kind of got in the way. They both even had partners at the time.Later on in the movie - 3 YEARS later, they are BOTH still thinking about the other one and they are drawn to each other... they just can't get over the feeling that they WANT to be with that person.

And so they find a way! They both end up going after each other, even though they live far apart... THAT is the kind of love I want. I want a man that will chase me down and profess his love for me! I want a man to travel around the WORLD just to show up at my door and tell me he can't live without me, that he can't stop thinking about me.. that he loves me, and ONLY me!

They say there is ONE person in this world that you are absolutely supposed to be with. I would want that person to chase me down and tell me I am HIS destiny! I would do that for the one I loved and I would expect nothing less! :-)

Life lessons aren't easy... but necessary for growth.

I think that sometimes you meet people to teach you a lesson about life or about yourself, to show you an area of your ‘self’ that still needs improvement.

I went through a rather difficult time in the past few months. Without going into too much detail, I met someone that became an instant friend, confident and an important part of my life. Everything was great, progressing forward and the future looked bright. But an old, buried insecurity from my younger days somehow clawed its way to the surface of wherever I had stuffed it years ago. It is true that you cannot just “bury” old pains, but you must work through and resolve them… many times throughout your lifetime, until the old pain is truly overcome. My independent, proud outer shell began to crack… and I didn’t notice right away. I have spent years learning to be a better version of myself, to create the type of ME that I really, truly want to be, but somehow I had not dealt with this little “bug” and it was burrowing its way under my skin and into my psyche in a very destructive manner.

Unfortunately for me (and others), I did not recognize the signs and looked for External causes for my discomfort. In doing so, I became irrational, paranoid, insecure and just downright NOT my true self. I felt like I was sliding into a deep hole and I had absolutely no control over it! It was very painful but yet provided me with a very important life lesson. I ended up pushing away this new friend of mine and alienating other possible friends in the process. 

And the worst part of the entire thing was I allowed this old buried “bug” to eat away at my self-confidence, my happiness, and my feelings of self-worth! I was miserable! I had anxiety, panic attacks, stomach aches, digestion upset, and lots and lots of crying! It felt like I was going crazy! Literally! I did not know the cause was internal. I did not recognize that it was an old injured part of my own SELF that was causing all this pain for me.  

It was too late to salvage the connection with this person that I had begun to feel was a very important part of my life and future. But it was NOT too late to figure out WHAT had happened and to learn from it. I feel better now, though not as strong and unbreakable as I felt 3 months ago! It is important to learn to recognize the signs of self-sabotage when the ‘ego’ is trying to break out and do its damage to the True Self. It took many, many years for me to learn to overcome the life patterns that I had developed as a child and young adult. Some of the destructive life patterns that I had used as a protection measure against the outside world, to protect the innocent self… were constricting and not conducive to a happy life!  Some of that learning is life-long, as I recently found out.

That old “bug” of insecurity is probably not all gone… but I recognize it now, and I am taking steps to deal with it and to learn from the past few months. Does this erase the pain I inadvertently caused myself over the past few weeks? No. Does it reverse the disappointment or dry the tears? No. But a lesson learned is an important step in building the kind of future that I want for myself. A happy, secure, stable and loving future where I feel like the best possible version of me. And THAT is a very good lesson!

My lighthouse epiphany

I have this pencil sketch of a lighthouse that I drew. I did a good job on it and I framed it and it hangs on my living room wall.

It was late on a Saturday night and I was sitting alone on my living room couch and doing some deep thinking. And it occurred to me that what I am looking for is my "own" lighthouse; A place in the storm of life that can “call me home”, or warn me of danger... a light in the dark to guide me. But, I keep looking to others to find this light house. I look to friends, boyfriends, family... I read self-help books to try and find the answers to life's questions. Sometimes, I feel at peace, thinking that maybe I have found an understanding... a knowing… that will help me through life. I get a renewed vigor when these small "epiphanies" happen.  I call these my "Spaces In Between". They are the "spaces" of clarity in my life mixed “in between” all the rest of life.

And then I wake up and the Real World is knocking at my door and I once again get lost in the storm.  As I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself for sitting alone and thinking of all my troubles… it occurred to me that maybe I have been looking for the wrong kind of lighthouse. I have been looking “outside” myself for others to be my lighthouse when maybe I need to be looking inward. Maybe the lighthouse that I needed was here along and I need to look inside myself to find it; To rely on my “Self” for guidance, for the light in the dark to guide me.

Life, it seems, is made up of Spaces In Between. And when I am alone, when I am reaching for some clarity inside myself, I am reaching towards that Lighthouse. Today’s epiphany may not solve all of life’s problems. Life is a journey and there will be many, many storms and plenty more calm waters. But from this point forward, I will look to my Lighthouse to find guidance and stop waiting or wishing for others to find it for me.

Growing up or growing old:

When you are in elementary school, you can’t wait to be older, to be able to do things on your own and not have to ask permission for everything; not have to hold someone’s hand to cross the street, pour the milk without spilling it and getting yelled at, watch scary movies... 

Then, when you are a teen, you just KNOW that you are smarter then everyone else your age, and of course you are so much more knowledgeable about things then your mom and dad!  Teachers ask what career you are going to plan for; you start to date, to receive more freedom, to spread your wings.  But you still long to be older, to be 18 and an adult, to be 21 – the drinking age!  So much of your life is held out of arms reach because you are a teen, and have to grow up, and learn from the mistakes of your elders, and graduate and get a job… 

Once you graduate from high school, everyone looks at you and says, “So, what are you going to do with your life?”  And in amazement you realize that you are now that elusive thing called “adult” and now everyone expects you to act like one.  But the thing is, you are still not ready for being an adult. So you gallantly try to pretend; get an apartment, take a loan out for a car, sign up for college classes… Which, by the way, still makes you feel like a kid, because it feels like an extension of high school…

Then, if you are one of those lucky people that plans out their college education, and reach graduation, you get a job in your field of study, and you are officially a grown up!  Congratulations!  Now you get to do all the fun stuff!  Like get up at 6 a.m., 5 days a week, work to please another grown up, then use your pay checks to pay the bills, and everyday blends into the next, until one day, many years later, you wake up to realize that you have aged 10 years, and it feels just like yesterday that you were in college.  What happened to all those things you dreamed of doing?  All those wonderful plans you had?  Did the monotony of routine gradually dim the light of that burning desire to climb Mt. Everest?  Did the lack of sleep somehow erase those thoughts of writing that book?  Did the daily commute to work and back somehow drive down that dream of traveling to far off, exotic places?

I remember when I was 29, and I felt that turning 30 was a milestone, that it was an age that younger people thought of as old.  How could I, who still felt young at heart, who sang in the car with my kids, loved to walk in the rain, sleep in on weekends, read thick romance novels… How could I, be 30 and old?  But, after I turned 30, I didn’t feel any different.  I felt mature, responsible; I had a job, a car, a home… bills to pay, chores to do, kids to raise.  I was all grown up! 

Then, fast forward through the years to 40, and the aches and pains start to surface.  Things like running up and down the stairs, now make your heart beat faster and you wonder, how, just 5 short years ago, you felt so much younger!

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”

All three of my daughters are very creative. One can draw, one can sing, one can write... well, I think they ALL have the creative writing gene!

I have read many of their stories, enthralled and captivated that these words and ideas can come out of my little girls.  I proudly tell them that they are gifted and have great talent. But they don’t believe me. I can see it in their eyes, and in the fact that they don’t finish their stories.  My youngest, Jenna, has begun some amazing novels; Fiction about fantasy, with elves, werewolves, shape shifters and vampires. The stories that she writes draw you in and make you want to continue reading. But she does not have the confidence to believe in herself and she doesn’t finish them.

I sometimes feel that this is my fault. If we, as adults, are supposed to lead by example, then I have not been a very good one. I begin many things that I do not finish; I went back to college but did not complete a degree. I started a webdesign business but I did not grow it into a real business. I begin relationships or friendships and then do not put the effort into them to keep the flourishing. How can I ask them to have faith in themselves when they surely see that I do not have faith in MY self?

I too, have had dreams of writing. There were many stories that I began but never finished. I have had many creative ideas that I did not follow through to fruition. Are my wonderfully talented daughters doomed to a life of unfinished stories, strong starts but weak endings?

My wish for this year is to change that. I want to teach by example. I want to be a role model for my girls, someone they can be proud of. And it is never too late to improve on your “self” and create a better future. As the saying goes, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”

Learn to view your difficulties as postive learning experiences.

During challenging times many people look for and focus on what is wrong. Not only is this perspective harmful because it doesn't bring about any solutions or relief, but it is also the very thing that ensures the continuation of the crisis itself.

It all comes down to choice - your choice of how you will react to and view your situation. You must learn to react outside of your automatic default responses to crisis and to engage all of your creative faculties, problem-solving skills and coping abilities.

Instead of wishing that your circumstance were different, use them as a cue that you are being challenged to find new resources within yourself.

When things fall apart, then something isn't working. It indicates that the structure wasn't sustainable, so it broke.

Think of some times in your past where things have not gone as you wanted them to. Maybe a lost job, or a broken relationship. What positive things happened after that loss that would not have happened if that loss had not occurred? Try to learn from these situations so that when you experience a stressful and challenging time in your life, you can view it as a learning experience and try not to fall apart. :)

Perfect Health

I began the first day of the 21 day mediation challenge with Oprah and Deepak. What a fantastic feeling! A great way to start the day. I will be doing my best to concentrate on my centering thought.

I commit to living perfect health!

Have a great Monday, everyone!

Click here to join the Challenge!