My lighthouse epiphany

I have this pencil sketch of a lighthouse that I drew. I did a good job on it and I framed it and it hangs on my living room wall.

It was late on a Saturday night and I was sitting alone on my living room couch and doing some deep thinking. And it occurred to me that what I am looking for is my "own" lighthouse; A place in the storm of life that can “call me home”, or warn me of danger... a light in the dark to guide me. But, I keep looking to others to find this light house. I look to friends, boyfriends, family... I read self-help books to try and find the answers to life's questions. Sometimes, I feel at peace, thinking that maybe I have found an understanding... a knowing… that will help me through life. I get a renewed vigor when these small "epiphanies" happen.  I call these my "Spaces In Between". They are the "spaces" of clarity in my life mixed “in between” all the rest of life.

And then I wake up and the Real World is knocking at my door and I once again get lost in the storm.  As I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself for sitting alone and thinking of all my troubles… it occurred to me that maybe I have been looking for the wrong kind of lighthouse. I have been looking “outside” myself for others to be my lighthouse when maybe I need to be looking inward. Maybe the lighthouse that I needed was here along and I need to look inside myself to find it; To rely on my “Self” for guidance, for the light in the dark to guide me.

Life, it seems, is made up of Spaces In Between. And when I am alone, when I am reaching for some clarity inside myself, I am reaching towards that Lighthouse. Today’s epiphany may not solve all of life’s problems. Life is a journey and there will be many, many storms and plenty more calm waters. But from this point forward, I will look to my Lighthouse to find guidance and stop waiting or wishing for others to find it for me.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”

All three of my daughters are very creative. One can draw, one can sing, one can write... well, I think they ALL have the creative writing gene!

I have read many of their stories, enthralled and captivated that these words and ideas can come out of my little girls.  I proudly tell them that they are gifted and have great talent. But they don’t believe me. I can see it in their eyes, and in the fact that they don’t finish their stories.  My youngest, Jenna, has begun some amazing novels; Fiction about fantasy, with elves, werewolves, shape shifters and vampires. The stories that she writes draw you in and make you want to continue reading. But she does not have the confidence to believe in herself and she doesn’t finish them.

I sometimes feel that this is my fault. If we, as adults, are supposed to lead by example, then I have not been a very good one. I begin many things that I do not finish; I went back to college but did not complete a degree. I started a webdesign business but I did not grow it into a real business. I begin relationships or friendships and then do not put the effort into them to keep the flourishing. How can I ask them to have faith in themselves when they surely see that I do not have faith in MY self?

I too, have had dreams of writing. There were many stories that I began but never finished. I have had many creative ideas that I did not follow through to fruition. Are my wonderfully talented daughters doomed to a life of unfinished stories, strong starts but weak endings?

My wish for this year is to change that. I want to teach by example. I want to be a role model for my girls, someone they can be proud of. And it is never too late to improve on your “self” and create a better future. As the saying goes, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”