My lighthouse epiphany

I have this pencil sketch of a lighthouse that I drew. I did a good job on it and I framed it and it hangs on my living room wall.

It was late on a Saturday night and I was sitting alone on my living room couch and doing some deep thinking. And it occurred to me that what I am looking for is my "own" lighthouse; A place in the storm of life that can “call me home”, or warn me of danger... a light in the dark to guide me. But, I keep looking to others to find this light house. I look to friends, boyfriends, family... I read self-help books to try and find the answers to life's questions. Sometimes, I feel at peace, thinking that maybe I have found an understanding... a knowing… that will help me through life. I get a renewed vigor when these small "epiphanies" happen.  I call these my "Spaces In Between". They are the "spaces" of clarity in my life mixed “in between” all the rest of life.

And then I wake up and the Real World is knocking at my door and I once again get lost in the storm.  As I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself for sitting alone and thinking of all my troubles… it occurred to me that maybe I have been looking for the wrong kind of lighthouse. I have been looking “outside” myself for others to be my lighthouse when maybe I need to be looking inward. Maybe the lighthouse that I needed was here along and I need to look inside myself to find it; To rely on my “Self” for guidance, for the light in the dark to guide me.

Life, it seems, is made up of Spaces In Between. And when I am alone, when I am reaching for some clarity inside myself, I am reaching towards that Lighthouse. Today’s epiphany may not solve all of life’s problems. Life is a journey and there will be many, many storms and plenty more calm waters. But from this point forward, I will look to my Lighthouse to find guidance and stop waiting or wishing for others to find it for me.

Growing up or growing old:

When you are in elementary school, you can’t wait to be older, to be able to do things on your own and not have to ask permission for everything; not have to hold someone’s hand to cross the street, pour the milk without spilling it and getting yelled at, watch scary movies... 

Then, when you are a teen, you just KNOW that you are smarter then everyone else your age, and of course you are so much more knowledgeable about things then your mom and dad!  Teachers ask what career you are going to plan for; you start to date, to receive more freedom, to spread your wings.  But you still long to be older, to be 18 and an adult, to be 21 – the drinking age!  So much of your life is held out of arms reach because you are a teen, and have to grow up, and learn from the mistakes of your elders, and graduate and get a job… 

Once you graduate from high school, everyone looks at you and says, “So, what are you going to do with your life?”  And in amazement you realize that you are now that elusive thing called “adult” and now everyone expects you to act like one.  But the thing is, you are still not ready for being an adult. So you gallantly try to pretend; get an apartment, take a loan out for a car, sign up for college classes… Which, by the way, still makes you feel like a kid, because it feels like an extension of high school…

Then, if you are one of those lucky people that plans out their college education, and reach graduation, you get a job in your field of study, and you are officially a grown up!  Congratulations!  Now you get to do all the fun stuff!  Like get up at 6 a.m., 5 days a week, work to please another grown up, then use your pay checks to pay the bills, and everyday blends into the next, until one day, many years later, you wake up to realize that you have aged 10 years, and it feels just like yesterday that you were in college.  What happened to all those things you dreamed of doing?  All those wonderful plans you had?  Did the monotony of routine gradually dim the light of that burning desire to climb Mt. Everest?  Did the lack of sleep somehow erase those thoughts of writing that book?  Did the daily commute to work and back somehow drive down that dream of traveling to far off, exotic places?

I remember when I was 29, and I felt that turning 30 was a milestone, that it was an age that younger people thought of as old.  How could I, who still felt young at heart, who sang in the car with my kids, loved to walk in the rain, sleep in on weekends, read thick romance novels… How could I, be 30 and old?  But, after I turned 30, I didn’t feel any different.  I felt mature, responsible; I had a job, a car, a home… bills to pay, chores to do, kids to raise.  I was all grown up! 

Then, fast forward through the years to 40, and the aches and pains start to surface.  Things like running up and down the stairs, now make your heart beat faster and you wonder, how, just 5 short years ago, you felt so much younger!

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”

All three of my daughters are very creative. One can draw, one can sing, one can write... well, I think they ALL have the creative writing gene!

I have read many of their stories, enthralled and captivated that these words and ideas can come out of my little girls.  I proudly tell them that they are gifted and have great talent. But they don’t believe me. I can see it in their eyes, and in the fact that they don’t finish their stories.  My youngest, Jenna, has begun some amazing novels; Fiction about fantasy, with elves, werewolves, shape shifters and vampires. The stories that she writes draw you in and make you want to continue reading. But she does not have the confidence to believe in herself and she doesn’t finish them.

I sometimes feel that this is my fault. If we, as adults, are supposed to lead by example, then I have not been a very good one. I begin many things that I do not finish; I went back to college but did not complete a degree. I started a webdesign business but I did not grow it into a real business. I begin relationships or friendships and then do not put the effort into them to keep the flourishing. How can I ask them to have faith in themselves when they surely see that I do not have faith in MY self?

I too, have had dreams of writing. There were many stories that I began but never finished. I have had many creative ideas that I did not follow through to fruition. Are my wonderfully talented daughters doomed to a life of unfinished stories, strong starts but weak endings?

My wish for this year is to change that. I want to teach by example. I want to be a role model for my girls, someone they can be proud of. And it is never too late to improve on your “self” and create a better future. As the saying goes, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life!”

Learn to view your difficulties as postive learning experiences.

During challenging times many people look for and focus on what is wrong. Not only is this perspective harmful because it doesn't bring about any solutions or relief, but it is also the very thing that ensures the continuation of the crisis itself.

It all comes down to choice - your choice of how you will react to and view your situation. You must learn to react outside of your automatic default responses to crisis and to engage all of your creative faculties, problem-solving skills and coping abilities.

Instead of wishing that your circumstance were different, use them as a cue that you are being challenged to find new resources within yourself.

When things fall apart, then something isn't working. It indicates that the structure wasn't sustainable, so it broke.

Think of some times in your past where things have not gone as you wanted them to. Maybe a lost job, or a broken relationship. What positive things happened after that loss that would not have happened if that loss had not occurred? Try to learn from these situations so that when you experience a stressful and challenging time in your life, you can view it as a learning experience and try not to fall apart. :)

Perfect Health

I began the first day of the 21 day mediation challenge with Oprah and Deepak. What a fantastic feeling! A great way to start the day. I will be doing my best to concentrate on my centering thought.

I commit to living perfect health!

Have a great Monday, everyone!

Click here to join the Challenge!

Inner Tranquility

"The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development
of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others,
the greater is our own sense of well-being."

~~ Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama ~~

Jada's gift of time...

Jada gave me a gift this morning. Being a puppy, she rarely will come to me to sit still or to sleep; especially when I am at the computer. But today, she came and put her feet up on my lap, demanding attention. I picked her up. Usually she would wiggle and struggle, give me a few licks and jump down. Today, she snuggled in and closed her eyes. She was sleepy. So, relishing the moment, I caressed her soft fur and watched as her eyelids grew heavy and her breathing slowed. I thought about the things I needed to get done and briefly contemplated putting her down. But, then I thought of just taking this time, this quiet time, to cuddle my puppy and to sit quietly.

It is strange to find that it is hard to sit quietly. To just take the time to sit and pet the dog without doing anything. I make myself feel guilty all the time for not getting things done, for spending too much time on the computer, for sleeping in, for reading too much, for not getting all the things on my to-do list done. But, this was her gift to me, I thought as I held her. My eyes misted with tears of love and gratitude. I reached over and turned on the media player to listen to Alison Krauss and her hauntingly sweet voice.

As I listened to the words, and felt the soft fur and warmth of Jada, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss; of broken dreams, of goals not reached, sadness for regrets, for the loss of a love that I had hoped would happen, for the lack of the ability to return the love that was given me, for the lost years of my life that I had drifted through.

Though Jada didn’t plan it, she has given me a gift of time; a space in-between all the chores and to-do lists; a space of time to sit and feel, to mourn the loss of much, and to grieve. Sometimes we need to take time to feel the loss, to move through it, in order to move on. Decisions can be difficult to make if you are not fully awake. The problems that I have had in my past with decision making have been because I was not awake. I am finding that the more awake I am, the more aware I am of the choices that I need to make and the right way to do it. This present-moment awareness is difficult stuff. Much easier it is, to walk through life on autopilot. To actually take the time to feel the present moment, in all its pain and sadness and loss, is hard to do.

Though the times have been few, these “spaces in-between” are like small windows into the reality of life. Of my life. I have often had moments of clarity where I have epiphanies, and I see what I need to do. But, then life is difficult and it is much easier to sleep walk, so I drift back into autopilot and months to years pass before I once again have a “moment”. I call these my “spaces in-between.”

So, I thank my puppy Jada. For giving me a moment; a moment to savor the soft warmth of her sleepiness; a moment to sit quietly and think; a moment to become aware of the need to grieve the loss of a dream of love ever after; the loss of a wish for a happy marriage; the loss of a need to feel love and to return love. It was not meant to be….. this time. Maybe someday it will be. To ignore the sadness of the loss is to not heal and I just need to get through it and learn from it.

Thank you, Jada.

Spring is Coming!! Spring is Coming!!

As I walk outside under a gray afternoon sky, I am astounded at the cacophony of different bird calls, squawks and whistles punctuated by the throaty quack of our pet ducks. The air holds the scent of promise and I breathe it in.

Our swamp is full now and the musical melody of frogs and other creatures comforts me as I walk around the yard. The damp piles of wet decaying leaves are now bereft of their blanket of white. The musty odor of sodden soil leaches out from the footprints I leave behind as I walk toward the backyard and the row of lilac bushes.

While still naked of their lush summer greenery, the lilacs are beginning to wake from their winter slumber. Tiny bumps of life are emerging from their limbs, crying out to me: Spring is Coming!! Spring is Coming!!

--- Anna (March 15th, 2010)